October 20, 2015

Yesterday was Ella’s third birthday. It has been just over one month since Ella went to be with God.  This past weekend, Sarah and I traveled back to Michigan to see my friends and family (I was born and raised in the Detroit area). A really good high school friend of mine, Joseph Ritter, took it upon himself to organize a fundraiser tailgate before the University of Michigan vs Michigan State football game on Saturday afternoon. This was the first time that Sarah and I had left the Kansas City area since we had moved here last year (Ella was diagnosed three months after we had moved to KC). We were very excited to leave town, but it was so sad because this was our first trip in three years without Ella. Before we left town, Sarah and I made sure to visit Ella at the cemetery as it helps bring us peace. Though Ella is no longer physically with us, it was hard to leave the KC area; we felt as if we were leaving Ella behind. Once we visited Ella, we hit the road and completed our 11-hour road trip to Michigan. It is always good to see family and we were able to see my parents, my brother and sister-in-law, and our nephews. Our nephews are still toddlers and are so full of energy. They bring Sarah and I so much joy and seeing them was so much fun. Our oldest nephew spent the entire night immersed in the Halloween spirit and did his best putting on his own “scary house.” The imagination of toddlers is amazing and we had a blast.  

On Saturday, Sarah and I went to Ann Arbor for the UofM tailgate fundraiser. Upon arrival, so many great friends greeted us. Thank you to everyone that made the trip to Ann Arbor and thank you so much for all of the support. Thank you to Jerry Sprague for the phenomenal entertainment (Jerry played at a bar called Mitch’s on Tuesday nights when we were in college). So many of the songs that he played brought back such great memories and it was just perfect. A big, “THANK YOU,” to Joseph Ritter and Jennifer Garcia for putting together such a great event for us. It was so much fun to see friends that I haven’t seen in over ten years.

Sarah and I returned to the KC area on Sunday, as Ella’s birthday was Monday. Yesterday, Sarah and I went to visit Ella as we normally do. This time, we came to the cemetery with a few different things namely, balloons and Chick-Fil-A. Ella absolutely loved balloons and so we made sure to buy her some birthday balloons. As many of you know, Ella was obsessed with Chick-Fil-A, so Sarah and I had chicken for lunch and had a picnic with Saint Ella. We concluded Ella’s birthday with a small dinner party consisting of Ella’s grandparents, great-aunt and great-uncle, and her cousins. It was a great day and I’m sure Ella would have loved every second of her birthday.  

We are sure that Ella was right there with us during our whole trip and especially during her birthday. As we were driving to Michigan, Sarah and I both felt tugs on our hair. We laughed and both believe that it was Ella telling us that she was with us. Today, we visited Ella at the cemetery and her balloons bonked me in the head. I’m sure Ella was laughing, as she loved to “bonk dada” (one of the last things that Ella said was that she wanted to “go upstairs and bonk dada”). Her birthday was a very hard day for me emotionally, but these signs that she is with us, helps ease some of the pain.  

It has been just over one month since Ella passed. Sarah and I still have good days and bad days. Some days, it’s just so hard to do anything and we miss her so much. Other days are filled with a feeling of nothingness…just numb. We still can’t believe that Ella is no longer with us physically and we miss her so much. I tear up just typing these words.  

Thanks you to everyone for the continued support. We found so much love and support in our Facebook feeds yesterday. Thank you for the beautiful birthday messages for Ella. Please continue to pray for Ella’s friends Malina, Joe, Jonah, Blake, Brysin, and those not named here. These kids are still fighting and need our support. Thank you again, we love you all. God bless! Saint Ella, pray for us. 

    
    
    
    
    
    
    
   

October 15, 2015

Thank you God!!! Joe’s MRI is “stable.” Joe has been off treatment for 2.5 months and his tumors have not grown. In comparison, when Ella ended treatment, she showed relapse at her first follow up MRI (3 months post treatment). We are ecstatic with Joe’s news. It’s amazing how all of the MRI day jitters come back, even when it’s not your own flesh and blood. We love this family so much (they are family to us). Thank you, everyone, for the prayers. Please keep Joe and all of Ella’s friends in your prayers. Saint Ella, pray for us! God bless!

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/josephludwikoski/journal/view/id/56204575a689b4112c9e6c07

October 15, 2015

Yesterday, we received phenomenal news that Ella’s friend, Malina, is 200 days CANCER FREE!!! Today is now a HUGE day for Joe, another friend of Ella’s and fellow medulloblastoma fighter. Joe is having his first post-treatment MRI today around 1pm. Please, please, please say a prayer for this beautiful child and amazing family. They are the best people a person could know and Joe needs to beat cancer. Please don’t just say that you’ll pray, but right now, say one?!? Saint Ella, pray for us! All of the Angels and Saints, pray for us! Jesus, be with this family. God bless and thank you!  

Sarah, myself, Ella, and the greatest family, the Ludwikoski’s, made up of Joe, Mary, and PJ.

October 8, 2015

Tomorrow marks three weeks since Ella was buried. Today, I returned to work. Thank you to everyone on H5S for helping me through my first day back. My bosses and my coworkers are so amazing and are such a great support for me. My return to work will be gradual over the next few weeks, but it’s happening. Sarah was alone for the first time at home. Needless to say, it was a rough morning for her. As soon as I left, she said it was so hard because Ella was always with her and this time she was alone. Ella is always with us in spirit and she has shown us so many signs that she’s okay. God has blessed Ella with such a beautiful life and we now strive to live lives that will allow us to meet her in Heaven. 

After work, I visited Ella at the cemetery. It was so dark, yet so peaceful. Sarah and I find so much peace visiting our beautiful daughter’s grave and lately we’ve been going daily. We miss her so much. 

Ella is very busy praying for Joe Ludwikoski and his parents. Joe is also battling medulloblastoma and has his first post-treatment MRI next Thursday. We’ve asked Ella to pray that Joe has beaten cancer and can continue to thrive. We also ask her to be with her friend Blake Forsyth and his parents. Blake is another medulloblastoma fighter and has transitioned to hospice. Please join us in praying for these special kids and their families. Thank you, everyone, for the love, support, and prayers. Saint Ella, pray for us! God bless! 

   

October 2, 2015

Ella was buried two weeks ago and we miss her like crazy. She died almost three weeks ago and the days seem to get harder. We’ve talked to quite a few people (we have amazing support) and have read multiple things about grieving, and one things is for certain…the pain of Ella’s dying will never go away. Sarah and I grieve at different times and that is good for us because we can help each other when the other is down. Supposedly, about 80% of married couples end up divorcing after the death of a child!?! I couldn’t imagine doing this alone. Sarah and I have quickly realized that the anger that we feel is not due to each other and that we can’t take it out on each other or take anything personally. Everyone grieves differently, on their own time, and at their own paces. Yes, we will end up moving on, but we will never “get over” Ella’s passing. You always see people in movies or television shows telling their friends or family to “get over it” and you have to “move on!” Again, I agree that we will have to move on with our lives, but we will NEVER get over Ella. Anyone that is a parent knows the love that we have for our children. Why would that love ever go away? Sarah and I are sure that Ella is always going to be with us and that we will make sure that she is always remembered. We will always be her “mama” and “dada.” When people ask if we have any children, the answer is “yes!” Ella may have died, but she is still our child and we love her more than anything in the world!A few months before Ella passed, Sarah asked her what she wanted for her upcoming birthday (October 19th). Ella replied, “a baby sister!” This girl is absolutely amazing. How many parents are blessed to have a two-year-old that can communicate so well? Not many. Ella told us that she was “done” with being in the hospital and that helped our decision to move to hospice. She asked for a sibling and Sarah and I will one day, try and make that a reality. We probably wouldn’t even be thinking about children for a very long time, but we feel that Ella specifically asked for a sister because she knew that we would question starting a family after her passing. Now, we are not going to be trying today or tomorrow, but once the time feels right. Ella will let us know. We know that God blessed us in many ways and it seems that Ella was sent to us for many different reasons. During Ella’s journey with cancer, we have been reunited with family whom we lost touch, made lifelong friends, became more spiritual, closer to God, and (hopefully) better people. There are more things that I could list, but this post will have to end sometime. Sarah and I have been talking and believe that we were blessed by God with Ella. We were not necessarily bad people, but we weren’t on the right path. Ella helped open our eyes and with her passing, Sarah and I must live our lives according to God’s Will. We must live our lives so that we will be reunited with Saint Ella in Heaven. Call us “Jesus freaks” or “way too religious,” but if you had met Ella, you be the same way. There is no doubt in our minds that God lent her to us in order to make sure we change our lives. Knowing that Ella is in Heaven, why wouldn’t we strive to make it there as well? One day, we hope to be reunited with Ella in Paradise and live with her and our Lord for eternity. So, we only got to have her physically with us for about three years, but we will meet again…..and live together forever. Ella was given to us in order to help prepare us for this journey. So amazing!

All of these thoughts are very helpful in our grieving process, but this is still extremely hard. As time goes on, it becomes more and more apparent that Ella is no longer physically here. Sarah and I feel guilty for doing normal things or trying to start a new routine. It feels as if we should be sad all of the time, but we know that that is not healthy or even possible. Ella would not want us to be sad. We still are though. Our sadness comes in waves and we have shed so many tears. There are times when we feel as if we cannot breathe. These times are when it is so important that Sarah and I have each other. We have heard that the pain does not get any better and that her physical loss will always hurt, but we know that we have to “move on.” This is where our faith comes in to play. When we are sad, we talk about how happy Ella is and how God has blessed us. Without our faith, we would be in so much trouble. We are not mad at God. We are just so sad that Ella is not physically with us. We have been visiting her grave every day and that helps. Sarah and I have seen so many things that have led us to believe that Ella is telling us that she is “okay.” There have been things like a butterfly or a rainbow in the clouds when we are talking about/to her, and even a hawk flying into the tree next to her grave and staying the whole time we were with her. Coincidence? Maybe. We choose to believe that it’s Ella and it makes us smile. Either way, this has been a very difficult time. 

Thank you to everyone that has reached out to us with support, prayers, or just comforting words. I have read every comment though I may not have responded and for that, I’m sorry. Sarah has not opened up Facebook since Ella’s passing, so please excuse her and thank you for understanding. Thank you for all of the cards, the donations, and especially for all of the love. We have an amazing support system and we appreciate you all. Please continue to pray for us and please continue to support childhood cancer awareness. Just because September (Childhood Cancer Awareness month) is over, it doesn’t mean that children will not be diagnosed with cancer. What if it happened to your child? We weren’t aware and now, our eyes couldn’t be more open. 

Thank you, we love you, God bless! Saint Ella, pray for us!

“In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.” 1 Peter 5:10 NLT

Please continue to raise awareness for pediatric cancer. For those looking to make a difference, please consider supporting an organization that helps fund research or that helps families in treatment. For research, St Baldricks is always a good one. They are the foundation that you see people shave their heads to help raise funds and awareness (www.stbaldricks.org). They help fund research for pediatric cancer. Closer to our hearts is the Neuroblastoma and Medulloblastoma Translational Research Consortium (NMTRC). The consortium helps fund clinical trials that we hope will help give future pediatric tumor patients a life that Ella won’t. (nmtrc.org) Children’s Mercy Hospital is a member of the consortium. A foundation that is close to home and that has helped us as a family in a MAJOR way is the Supporting Kids Foundation. This organization strives to relieve the financial burden that KC families find when their child is diagnosed with cancer. We absolutely LOVE this organization! (www.supportingkids.org). Another is Bags of Fun Kansas City. They deliver personalized backpacks filled with toys and activities to kids fighting cancer. Ella is a proud recipient of one of these amazing bags! (www.bagsoffunkansascity.org) 

    
 We found 3 lone flowers in a field of grass at Shawnee Mission Park.  How appropriate!?! Represents the three of us as a family.

   
 

September 25, 2015

The last of our family left town on Wednesday. That afternoon, the reality that Ella is no longer physically with us became painstakingly clear. As the days go on, it is more than apparent that Sarah and I are physically without Ella. Today is a very hard day for me. Just looking at an empty couch makes me want to cry. I want Ella to be sitting, watching her shows, drinking out of her cups, and yelling “I want a snack!” Ella used to laugh when we’d talk about Caillou and I’d tell her that I don’t like Caillou. It was a joke to her (though as any parent knows, Caillou is terrible). I’d watch Caillou on repeat if it meant that she were still here. We know that things like this aren’t possible and we don’t dwell on it, but we still think of it. All of the memories are so amazing, but it still hurts. We miss dancing with her, hearing her laughter, holding her hand, her sweet hugs, etc. We miss it all. We never thought that our hearts could ache so badly. Sarah and I have found ourselves in moments when you feel like you can’t breathe. We miss Ella so much!Sarah and I feel guilty when we don’t have tears or if we are doing something for ourselves (it feels selfish). We know that Ella would want us to be happy; she even told Sarah to “be happy for me, mama!” Every time we find some peace, we feel as if it’s Ella’s doing. She’d want it that way. It helps, but we still ache. Sarah and I have found that we grieve at different times and we are able to comfort each other. Again, totally Ella looking out for us. 

We knew that this time of grieving would come, but it is so hard. We don’t question “why” she is gone. We know that God has done a lot of good through Ella. We have an angel and a Saint amongst us. She is with us at all times. This is comforting, but we can’t wait to see her again. We had almost three glorious years with Ella and we just wish we had more. Now our time spent on Earth is meant to make sure we get to Heaven so that we can be reunited with Saint Ella. We’ve got work to do and Ella is right by our side. Saint Ella, pray for us! God bless! 

September 19, 2015

Ella was laid to rest yesterday morning in a beautiful service by Father Murphy at St Thomas More in KCMO. The morning began with thunderstorms which were extremely fitting for our tough daughter. Ella was never intimidated by thunder or rain. Actually, Ella always wanted to go out and play in the rain. Sarah and I would have to drag her in the house kicking and screaming. So, the weather could not have been any more perfect. The funeral mass was absolutely beautiful, filled with wonderful music and singing. Ella was surrounded by so many people that loved her including her family, our friends, her friends, her doctors, nurses, nursing assistants, Child Life, and her favorite volunteers from Children’s Mercy Hospital. Ella was very selective in who she let into her life, but when she did, she loved with a huge heart. After the mass, we had a procession to the cemetery that had a police escort! Only the best for Ella! Upon arrival to the cemetery, we were greeted by a lightening strike. It was as if Ella was welcoming us to her final home. Father Murphy said some prayers and blessed her grave all while the rain poured down around us. Ella was finally able to dance in the rain like she always wanted! Once Ella was laid to rest, we returned home and joined many of her friends and family members for lunch. Sarah and I had the lunch catered by Ella’s favorite restaurant, Chick-Fil-A (she had Chick-Fil-A chicken nuggets at least twice a week lately). How we came about the catering selection is a whole other story, but just know that Ella got her way in every aspect of yesterday. Throughout the morning, Sarah and I noticed bits and pieces of things that Ella loved down to songs at mass, songs on the radio, the weather, people in attendance, the food, etc. Ella was smiling down on us from Heaven. Reality hasn’t set in as family is in town and Sarah and I are surrounded with so much love. Once family returns to their homes, Sarah and I will be alone together and I’m sure it will hit us that Ella is no longer physically with us. We will never forget the love of our lives. She has brought us so much joy and has changed us both for the better. We try to focus on the happy memories and stay strong in faith, but there is still a void. We will lean on our families, friends, and our faith harder than ever in the upcoming future. 

Thank you to everyone for all of the love and support. Ella is still with us, she is watching over us and praying for us. Please remember that Ella is a saint. We pray to Saint Ella every day and believe that she is watching over her friends and family. Saint Ella please be with Joe, Jonah, Malina, Kit, Brysin, and all of your other buddies that need your constant intercession. Saint Ella we love you forever and always. God bless!
FYI – All photos are pre-cancer diagnosis. 

For KC friends, when frequenting Chick-Fil-A, please choose the location at 9707 Quivera Rd in Overland Park by Oak Park Mall. They have been nothing short of amazing! 

    
    
    
    
    
    
   
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
 

September 16, 2015

We know that Monday’s posting was brief, but Ella’s passing was somewhat unexpected (at that time) and we are still in shock. Sarah and I have been somewhat preparing for the possibility of Ella’s passing, but were taken by surprise on Monday. Ella passed in the most peaceful of ways. Ella was in Sarah’s arms (as she should have) and I was holding her hand. We don’t believe that Ella felt any pain or was in any distress and that gives us comfort. We felt that Ella was slowly doing better each day and never anticipated the turn of events. Ella was never one to do things the way everyone else does. God does things in His own time and that was apparently her time.  Unlike many parents, our child told us many things to help comfort us. Ella had told Sarah a few weeks ago to “be happy for me, mama.” Ella also told us that she’s “done.” These things along with many other things help give us comfort that our decision to move along with hospice was the right decision. Ella’s body and immune system was strong and she had more fight in her. We believe that Ella has known for a LONG time that this would be her happy ending and that she was prepared to fly with angel wings.  

Ella had a deep connection with God, Jesus, Mary, and angels. Ella had never seen pictures of Jesus early in her life, though we had talked about Him to her. Sarah showed her the photo of Jesus from the movie “Heaven is For Real.” Without hesitation, Ella stated that the photo was of Jesus! (Ella wasn’t 2-years-old yet.) Ella also hadn’t seen pictures of the Blessed Mother, but she told us that Mary was “nice” and that she “wore a blue dress like Elsa.” How could she know this? We believe that it was a deep connection to God. This has helped strengthen our faith. Ella also had strange connections to angels. After the passing of her friend Eva, Ella woke up the next morning speaking her name. We had learned of Eva’s passing while Ella was asleep and she had no idea that it had happened. Also, Ella did not know that Noah had passed. The day after, Ella sat in the playroom on 4 Hensen and made funny faces and flashed the peace sign with her fingers. This was not something that Ella normally did (though she does have great expressions). She had never before or since, done the peace sign (a Noah staple).  

When Ella was passing, we prayed that God would take her swiftly as we did not want her to suffer. God answered our prayers and we believe that Eva, Noah, and all the other angels welcomed Ella with open arms.

I had mentioned before that Ella is a saint. For clarification, we had a priest come and give Ella the Sacrament of Confirmation. During our phenomenal meeting with Father Murphy, he told us that only two kinds of people in the Catholic faith can be considered saints; those that are canonized into sainthood and children within a reasonable age. Since Ella is so young and had not sinned, she is considered a saint by the Catholic faith. It gave Sarah and I great comfort to hear that we can pray to Saint Ella for intercession in our needs. How awesome is it that we are parents of a saint!?!

After meeting Ella, there is no way that you cannot believe in God. We believe that God made her as smart and as strong as she was, for a purpose. She has taught us strength, love, and strengthened our faith. Ella is a true blessing and Sarah and I are better people for having her in our lives. We are still learning of the blessings that she has bestowed on us.

So, Sarah and I are still making our way through Facebook and we will read each and every comment. Thank you to everyone that has supported us and are praying for us. This time is extremely hectic and Facebook is not a priority, so please be patient as we make our way through it all. We are overwhelmed with the support and are humbled. God bless! Saint Ella, pray for us!