6 months. Today marks six months since Ella’s passing, and Sarah and I have gone through quite the emotional rollercoaster. Immediately after Ella’s passing, we were at an all-time low. As time passed, Sarah and I went through a time when we thought that we were doing okay. It was a time that we felt guilty that we weren’t feeling as bad as we thought we should. Quickly we realized that it was more a sense of numbness; Ella’s passing just didn’t seem real. Now six months after Saint Ella’s passing, we are definitely feeling the pain of our daughter’s loss, and Sarah and I can fall apart at any moment.
Sarah and I still visit Ella’s grave every day. Today as I drove home from the cemetery, I listened to a song called “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns. The lyrics hit so close to home and are posted at the end of this post. For those that want to listen, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ As I drove home and listened, my eyes swelled and tears filled my eyes. I’ve always tried to be a tough guy and Sarah always talked about how I didn’t cry. Well, Ella changed all of that. Ella has also brought me closer to my faith. I was brought up Catholic and spent the 1st through the 12th grade in Catholic school. I attended Church every weekend with my family, but that all changed once I started college. I made excuses that Church was across campus and was too far away, I was too busy, etc. Church never became a regular occurrence again and I only prayed to God when I needed something. I know that I am not the only person that has found him or herself in this situation. Ella’s diagnosis of cancer quickly brought me back to prayer and it may have started for selfish reasons. Now that Ella has passed, my prayers are daily and they no longer are for selfish reasons only. Of course, I pray for personal things, but I also pray for other people and things. My relationship with God has never been stronger and I am unafraid to say it. As the song lyrics say, “Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place” and “Stop holding on and just be held.” I like to believe that I am comfortable with surrendering to God, and I feel that I am as close as I ever have been to doing so. When so many people are ripped apart by tragedy, Sarah and I have become stronger. Yes, we are more emotional, but stronger in faith and in our relationship with each other. Ella continues to watch over us and God blesses us every day!
Next month, Sarah and I will be participating in a local 5K race. Seeing that Sarah is expecting Ella’s baby brother this summer, we will be walking instead of running. If you live in the Kansas City area, please consider signing up and joining us. Signup information can be found here http://noahsbandageproject.com/ You can also donate to this great organization if you aren’t local and are looking to help fund pediatric cancer research. Noah’s parents are hoping to use donations to fund a new drug used to combat pediatric cancer. Donations and funds from the 5K will help them do so. Remember, only 3 drugs have been approved in the last 20 years to specifically treat kids with cancer and we need everyone’s help!
Don’t ever cease in praying for all those touched by cancer (kids and adults alike). Many of our friends have children that are still in the fight and the fight is real! Thank you, everyone, for the continued prayers and thoughts. We love you all. Saint Ella, pray for us!
“Just Be Held”
by Casting Crowns
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held (stop holding on and just be held)
Just be held, just be held, just be held, just be held
Positively Ella 